Is it Mama’s Fault? Healthy and helpful (or at least not harmful) ways to respond to the Trans Community
I have never once posted whether I believe being trans is right or wrong. While most of you can gather how I feel about that, I feel it is of little importance in the entire scheme of things. I am a believer, and some will make an assumption right there about how I feel about this topic, and you might be right and you might be wrong….. but what I do feel strong about is that we as Americans have forgotten how our words can hurt another so much that they will wish to end their life, or take the lives of others.
This relates to the recent shooting in the Catholic School in Minneapolis. In a manifesto the shooter placed heavy blame on their mother. I am not sure if that was warranted or not - I do not have all the details. None of us ever will. I doubt, that like any of us, she ever thought her child would commit such a crime, and if she is like many other parents in this world, she loved her child deeply. Again, I do not know this for a fact, but it is certainly a possibility.
What I do know, is that something she said, possibly out of great love, but without great thought of how hurtful it might be was - “ ‘In the future you will look back and feel ridiculous about who you feel like you are inside. You will regret this.’”. A better, kinder way and more honest approach might be, “ I love you and I am fearful that one day you will be unhappy with this decision and not be able to reverse it. Can we talk about this a little longer to be sure this is what you want. Regardless of how parents feel about the right and wrong of this, our job is to help our children maneuver these types of situations with love and empathy. Again, I want to say this poor woman has lost a child too and something that was very private is now very public, out there for all of us to give an opinion on. And the shooter might not remember correctly what was said and might be projecting. So this is not directed at her. This is directed at the rest of us. I genuinely want all who read this to understand that I am coming from a place of compassion for parents and kids who are trying to work through this very delicate situation.
Most teenagers and adults who live this life will find their way, with or without their parental or community support, but some will not. They will be hurt by hateful comments on Facebook and Instagram. They will read and absorb some of the world telling them they are misfits, wrong, mentally ill, or even - going to hell. Those of us who have never experienced waking up everyday fighting the extreme desire to live in another body have not a clue as to the anguish and mental gymnastics these people experience. I tell myself that the science is not clear and may never be. I ask myself how I would feel if I was a 20 something in a female body who woke up every day of my life believing that something got mixed up, I am supposed to be a man. Then throw in their parents and family who do not support them or outright ostracize them and others like them publicly. I genuinely understand how difficult this would be for parents to maneuver . And it is the right of any parent to say I will not pay for or encourage a sex change but we are treading dangerous waters when we try to tell our kids how they feel, how they should feel, on such sensitive issues. We are telling our kids that we don’t see them or hear them when we try to tell them how they feel or are going to feel about something of this magnitude. We do the same when we blame what is happening to them on outside
